. . . . Expectations

 

 

People are disappointing and expectations of them (unlike Pip’s)

should not be great. Indeed, the way to afford oneself some nice

surprises is if one begins with no expectations at all. Without being

unduly pessimistic, just realistic, I came to expect nothing from

anyone one or anything. If something rewarding happened, that was

a bonus. For instance, I met a man at a publishing party given by my

sister for her new book launch. He was very tall, elegant, and

articulate. I discussed books with him, elaborating on my dislike of

the contemporary novel. 

“Anita Brookner is wonderful” he said. “I’ll send you her latest

three novels and guarantee that you will enjoy them”. Well, he did,

and I did. But it was an exception. People promise to introduce me to

a wonderful single man they know. Or they promise to telephone, or

return a borrowed book, or send a postcard from faraway places, or

just to lend their calculator to ease the pain of sorting out tax

returns. But they seldom, if ever, do. They say they will come to

lunch or to dinner, but rarely come on time and, frequently, do not

turn up at all. Once I accepted that this is quite normal behaviour,

that people’s word was not their bond, as it were, and I stopped

expecting it to be, life became much simpler. It is a frailty of human

nature that man’s actions often fall far short of his intentions, and to

accept that fact helps to keep one’s calm.

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 The conditioning of women when I was young was that they

should be subservient and submissive. They should have no identity

of their own and voice no opinions. Such a condition is of little help

to those who wish to survive a single life. My inability to say ‘no’

resulted in a dotty amount of hard work. In the early months people I

barely knew wanting a bed in Oxford, stayed in my house – friends

of friends who I had not the courage to discourage. I looked after

other people’s children, had dogs to stay, and even joined both the

Labour Party and Conservative Party as a consequence of this

inability to say no. I am basically wet. Rather than argue or have

confrontations I acquiesce to achieve peace. But the irony is that

wetness creates more problems, not less. The Bible says “the meek

shall inherit the earth” which might be true long-term, but in the

short-term it is not so. The strong, determined, positive and decisive

win every time. I had to learn to be more assertive, to get tougher.

An essential early survival lesson is to say what you mean straight

away, and stick to it. If you don’t want to walk the neighbour’s dog,

look after her children while she goes to see an afternoon

performance of Val Doonican, or fetch someone’s brother from

London Airport at 3am, say you won’t and don’t.

 

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